I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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