my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
