walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
