his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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