Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
