Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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