U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
