are you still at the devil's house?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
