Where did you get a picture of my penis
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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