i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
As shirtless as possible
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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