I'm so fucking centered right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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