how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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