4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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