Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
