So drunk its hurt
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
