there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
