I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
