Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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