if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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