it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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