i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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