did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
