I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
