I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
