i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
