My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
