You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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