420 ftw
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
