You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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