6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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