My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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