my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
