so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
