Three words: puerto rican gang bang
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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