Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize