I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
