we have officially lost it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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