we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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