I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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