I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
