everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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