On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
