i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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