Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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