i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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