whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
