She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
