grandma shit on top of the toilet
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
