I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
