I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
