6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
